Driving while under the influence… Of PTSD

Driving, PTSD, and me

Most days I feel very well adjusted and “normal” no PTSD symptoms. I feed myself the “ I’m not as bad as…” and “At least I don’t…” stories to force myself to feel like I’m making progress. I tell people all the time my deployment experience wasn’t that bad and there are people who’ve been through worse but, every now and then there are undeniable signs. Often those signs go on ignored. I chalk it up to a fluke or just having a bad day. On my way to work looking at my speedometer, I noticed I was going over 90 mph for absolutely no reason at all. At least that was the initial thought. I wasn’t late for work or any appointments so I had to internally reflect on what I was feeling and, more importantly, why. Normally, if that term can be used, my symptoms consistent of me going into a depression and not engaging in the things I love. I’m a homebody so me not wanting to leave the house is nothing new, but me not wanting to go train Jiu Jitsu is rare. I am very closed off to my loved ones and I greet the world with a scowl. Anyone trying to hit me with the “what’s wrong” entry is inviting themselves to a long conversation about every and anything but what I’m actually feeling, or nothing at all. At these times the only people with the keys to the kingdom are my sons. I’m not sure why but I’m thankful that it is that way. When my wife complains about my driving, I figure it is a part of her job as a wife to do that. She talks of my aggression and speed often. I listen, I may not always respond while I’m evaluating, but I listen. She mentioned something after a movie where they showed soldiers on a deployment driving like “maybe that’s why you drive like that…”. When a beautiful woman makes so many valid points you have to investigate So here are somethings I noticed:

• I don’t like cars around me. I know, I’m on the road and it is the inevitable that there will be other cars. I would prefer them to be like,ummmmm, 100 to 1000 feet away even in rush hour.
• When people throw their cigarettes out the window at and it sparks on the road, my adrenaline shoots up. I go bug eyed and tense up, my wife usually takes over at this point.
• When people get to close to my bumper I feel like they mean me harm. I start running through scenarios and constantly checking my mirrors, even though I look back and they’re in their own little world listening to music or on the phone.

Listen, I don’t want to give you the impression that I was running around on deployment like some wild cowboy. I had it better than most and I loved my unit. They made sure I was able to do my job at all times. I’m just a regular soldier, commo guy. I just can’t help the way my brain treats certain situations since I’ve been home. A movie about me would be shorter than a YouTube ad. At times it feels like some of me didn’t make the return trip. I’m thankful for the people around me, they see something better when I’m at my worst. I will fix this, it isn’t strong enough to defeat me. I’ll win my battle with PTSD, this is where being a hard headed kid comes in handy. To be continued...